Grace & Roller Coasters

Lately I have been waking up early. Which is strange, since I am definitely not a morning person, and since most days there is nowhere that I technically have to be right away. Work is done. After almost four years at Barnes and Noble I shelved my last book and foamed my last latte at the end of May. I continue to support raise and I have a few more people to meet with as I pray about that last 20% or so. We are getting so close. It is a strange feeling watching everything wind down and gear up simultaneously. 

I leave Raleigh on July 12.

That’s….really soon.

The last three weeks of July will be spent in Indiana for CROSS training, an intensive program with One Mission Society, my sending agency. From July 13 through the 30 I will be in seminars from 8am to 5pm every day where I will get a crash course in living overseas, conflict resolution, thriving outside my comfort zone, team dynamic, and evangelism tools. I'm pretty pumped about it. 

Then comes the first week of August when I will load myself and some percentage of my earthly goods onto a plane bound for Spain grasping a one way ticket!

People keep asking me how I am doing as I get ready to leave, and to be honest, it depends on the minute. My biggest dream, my most cherished vision, the thing that I have been chasing and pursuing and praying over for most of my life is actually happening. I am moving to another country to be a teacher where I will get to share my passion for history every single day. I will speak Spanish all the time. I will  introduce people to Jesus, people who have no idea of His love for them. I cannot believe that God would see fit to give me these desires of my heart. I can scarcely comprehend that He would love me so well as to send me to a place where I will be both needed and in need. I confess that there have been many times I have accused Him of dragging His feet in this whole process, but as I crest this next hill I can't help but be humbled at the landscape. I can't help but sit in awe. 

I would be remiss though if I did not also tell you how scary this feels a lot of the time. I have never actually been a teacher. I mean, I have two degrees that say I can be one. But….in another country? By myself? Far from all I know, away from all the people that comfort me and encourage me? What exactly do I think that I’m doing!? Fear of failure likes to dodge my steps these days.

So early every morning the floodlights switch on in my mental space and my brain starts racing full speed ahead. So much to do. A new bank. Should I get another credit card? I need to go to the dentist. People, I need to see people. Lesson planning, gosh I have to start lesson planning. Sorting, packing, goodwill. Cleaning. Laundry?! Maybe I just won’t get out of bed yet. I should go back to sleep. I can’t go back to sleep. Oftentimes I feel so inadequate to tackle this immense task of “preparing to move to another country” that I have to pause and just talk to Jesus for a while before I have the confidence to get moving again.

Is it OK if I ask for something? In the next two weeks before I leave, I need to ask for grace. If you look over at me on a Sunday morning and there are tears streaming down my face and I have to excuse myself for half the sermon, please do not be alarmed. If you text me and I don’t get right back to you, let me go ahead and apologize and tell you here how much I love you- how I will do my very best to see you and hug you before July 12. And if when you do spend time with me I seem distracted, emotional, or crazy, I ask for grace for that too. Don’t let my runny mascara overwhelm you. I can pretty much promise crying. And while I could apologize for it, I won't, because I know that I need to grieve my leaving even as I celebrate my going. 

Despite the ups and downs, the thrills and stress, one thing has cut through the roller coaster and I have clung to it fiercely: the deep unshakable conviction that I am both known and loved. You cannot know what you mean to me. Your prayers, your support, the coffee dates and lunches and trips to the movies; I have never felt more cared for and I have never felt more secure in that care. Truthfully, that is what makes this so hard. The thought of leaving all of you, of walking away from people who value me like that, it catches my breath and squeezes my insides. But that is the thing about love, cliche as it may sound. It stretches oceans. It covers miles. Don’t be surprised if in the next two weeks I refuse to say goodbye to you. You are sending me. You are coming with me. You are making this whole adventure possible.  

And I don’t say goodbye to those who have my heart.   

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